i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Randomize
