I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
