if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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