What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
