After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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