my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
