I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
