I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
