So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
