Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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