He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
