my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
