The maid of honor just puked.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
