My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
