I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
