that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
