Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I AM VODKA MAN
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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