my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
