Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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