I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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