Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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