Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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