puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
