somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
