i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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