is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
