either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
