YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
