he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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