whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
