I want to walk on stilts...naked
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
