Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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