This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
