So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
