im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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