I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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