So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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