We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
