The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i dont even know how to be here
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
