and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
