I should be sponsored by Trojan
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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