What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
