I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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