My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
