i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Drake has all the answers
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
