I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
it glows. i had to have it.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
