I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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