awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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