I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
