I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
